You know it’s Christmas when every time you walk through the living room to get to the kitchen, you catch 30 seconds of some old Christmas movie that has been playing every hour of the day on at least one channel since the eggnog hit the shelf. Christmas movies have a way of keeping that feeling of holiday magic alive long after you noticed the Walmart sale tags on those gifts from “Santa” when you were eight. However, not all Christmas movies are created equal. There hasn’t been a great Christmas movie made in the past five years. Besides, it’s always those classics that bring you back to your days of putting cookies next to the fireplace that really get the good feelings flowing.
5. “Die Hard”
“Yippee Kia-Yay, Mr. Falcon.”
This abomination of censorship is reason enough to avoid the TV version (which will most definitely be playing) and find a copy of “Die Hard” on DVD. Some people might say this doesn’t really have anything to do with Christmas. I’d like those people to go ask baby Jesus what he thought of all the talking snowmen and deformed, flying deer prancing around the manger on his first birthday.
It happened during an office Christmas party. It has touchy feely family stuff when McClane saves his wife. There was snow. It’s a Christmas movie. Aside from that, it can go toe-to-toe with “Rambo” and “Predator” in terms of eighties action movies, and has some of the greatest one liners to ever see a bad guy off to his grave. Also, Bruce Willis and Carl from “Family Matters” have some bro moments that will make your heart grow three sizes just from watching them.
4. “Jingle All The Way”
If you think “Jingle All The Way” isn’t deserving of a spot on the list, go read some of my past articles. On any given list of great movies, I will always leave a spot for Arnold. “Terminator” is #3 on my list of romantic comedies.
Schwarzenegger’s masterfully executed performance as himself aside, “Jingle All The Way” is a top notch Christmas movie. For those who haven’t seen it, it’s about an overworked father’s quest to find the last Turbo Man action figure in time to give to his son for Christmas. This may not have been the case in everybody’s home town, but when I was just a developing little bro-ssel sprout, all the cool kids got a Turbo Man action figure the year that this movie came out. For that reason alone, this movie always brings back memories of when Christmas really felt magical (you’re allowed to gag at my sappyness, but just know that you’re a terrible person).
3. “Christmas Vacation”
This may not necessarily be the movie to bring out the Christmas warm fuzzies, but it’s definitely relatable. You should also just accept the fact that you will have to watch this movie at some point over your time off, because I would bet the Championship Belt of Masculinity (the squat challenge is still open) that every dad in existence has the ability to watch this movie indefinitely.
This is the movie that makes that time you spent four hours on the roof trying to get your frozen nub-hands to magically will the Christmas lights to stop burning out a little easier to laugh at. It plays on literally every stereotypical holiday nightmare that everyone has had to deal with at some point in their life. On top of that Chevy Chase falls down like Kevin James can only dream of falling down. When someone comes along that can surpass Chevy Chase in the field of making people laugh by getting hurt, this movie will finally be able to retire. Until that day, the greased sled scene and electrocuted cat will have to suffice.
2. “A Christmas Story”
There is an actual thing that happens every Christmas eve on TBS called 24 hours of “A Christmas Story”. If you don’t watch this movie at some point during the break, you have willfully tried to avoid it. It’s narrated by Adam West and it’s great. Watch it.
1. “Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer”
It’s just not Christmas without claymation. I’ve talked a lot about movies that bring me back to my childhood, but when I see this, my younger self may as well land a time machine on top of me.
Yes, there are other cheesy, claymation Christmas movies, but none of them compare to this. “Santa Clause is Coming to Town”? No thank you. He can stay in medieval Europe until he gets old, fat and jolly. I don’t have time to question that clockwork knight thing or the scary Russian guy. I want to watch a congested reindeer and an elf that wants to be a dentist tell the water gun that shoots jelly that he’s wanted somewhere before they go knock the Abominable Snowman’s teeth out. I caught a whiff of scented pine cones just from typing that sentence.
“Rudolph” is the chainsaw-wielding grizzly bear of Christmas movies. It’s unstoppably whimsical.
