This isn’t what you think. This isn’t some 800-word rant about how I am halfway through my Ouachita education and have a naked ring finger. Though it’s true, this is not me taking up valuable column space to complain.
I’m simply trying to point out to everyone the reasons why I have found myself in such a place as this. Maybe you’re here with me. Let’s chat. Pull up a chair and grab a tub of cookie dough; I’ll bring the spoons.
1. I am completely capable of and extremely willing to cook. This is a giant red flag. Really. No man wants a woman who gets excited about finding new recipes, braving the grocery store, slaving over pots, pans and casserole dishes and is perfectly happy with cleaning up the mess afterwards. I should really be more lazy and un-domesticated if I ever plan to be someone’s Mrs.
2. Another strike against me? My obsession with sending letters and cards. People hate mail, especially in college. And those over- priced greeting cards with the most perfect message that I spend an embarrassing amount of time searching for? They’re awful. Nobody wants to smile and feel appreciated. Why can I not get that through my head?
3. I love supporting the people I care about by attending events and giving of my time and resources. This is one I really need to work on. I am so incredibly bad about making a point to be at intramural games, concerts, performances, fundraisers and competitions. I spend a grotesque amount of money on carwashes, Chicken Express, T-shirts, CDs, desserts and date auction dates. I have got to stop being so gosh dang selfless and focused on trying to make all of my loved ones feel appreciated and happy.
4.If the aforementioned three reasons weren’t enough to scare all the strapping young lads away, my life is wildly entertaining. I’m not saying that I am necessarily entertaining or funny or charming or what have you. But I am saying that unusual things happen to me on a frequent basis. Things that combine to create this superbly awkward and tragic mess that is called my life. But no man in his right mind wants adventure and the excuse to laugh *with* his lady, right? The things that happen to me are funny, off-the-wall, unique and frankly… just make for terrible stories and conversation. I’m honestly surprised that I even have friends. People really hate funny stories told by an overly-animated and exuberant storyteller whose amazingly entertaining facial expressions could probably cure cancer. I mean, where’s the fun in that?
Hopefully you’ve gathered by now that I am being completely sarcastic. (As per the usual.) I’m just trying to prove a point. Ladies of Ouachita (and I am speaking to myself when I say this), quit complaining about your single status. Stop looking for pity. And for Pete’s sake, do not settle ― especially if the man God has for you is named Pete. Is it harder to be single at Ouachita than it might be at other schools? Probably. With the culture in which we find ourselves, it’s hard to keep from won- dering what the reasons are for our solo season in life. But you are exactly where God wants you. We should be celebrating that! If the Big Guy upstairs thinks it’s best for me to do life on my own right now, I should be thanking him and his reasons that are far beyond my com- prehension. If you are in a relationship, that’s awesome. It is my sincere hope that you are using that for God’s glory and to make Him known.
Gentlemen of Ouachita, I know you secretly wonder why you aren’t married yet as well. You can puff out your chest and argue with me all you want; I know I’m right. But the same goes for you. Except, it’s your duty to pursue the woman God has for you. So, get off your caboose and, if you think you’ve found the lucky young lass, pursue the heck out of her. She will thank you for it. If you’re really lucky, she’s been waiting for you to make a move. So get on it. And just know that I expect an invite to your big day because there’s nothing I love more than a good ol’ Ouachita wedding.
