Yes you reading this.
You are or have probably been a thief.
Quite the accusation, I know, but I can prove it.
See, in your room lying on your dresser, maybe sitting on your table, there’s a translucent blue cup and maybe even some silverware that you pilfered from the hardworking people at Sodexo. Or perhaps it’s now a distant memory of when you succeeded in your dastardly deed and the trophies from your success are long gone.
Yes, wretched soul. Feel your sins crawl on your back as you have been found out.
However, fret not, for there is a way to make amends for your thievery.
Now if you did this on accident and have already returned the pilfered goods, let go of the shame you feel. You are free.
However, if you’ve accidentally taken a cup and it’s been sitting on the top of your mini-fridge, and you’ve been saying for a while now, “Eh, I’ll take it tomorrow.”
Get up from your bed, grab the cup, and go return it to the cafeteria. If you don’t do it now, let’s be honest, it’ll be sitting there until Christmas. Besides walking to the cafeteria will be good exercise.
As for the third category, the most shameful of all categories, those who have intentionally stolen from our dining hall, I have one question:
Why steal from the very place that you are allowed to dine for free?
Is it because you’re a collector of cups and silverware?
Is it because you grew attached with your dining equipment as you ate?
Is it because you’re secretly a kleptomaniac?
I’m gonna take a stab in the dark and say no, you’re probably not any of those things. More than likely the reason you stole it is because it means it’s one less thing you have to worry about buying for your room.
To be fair, college is expensive and not everyone has the same cash stored up for the year or can have a job to provide for their lifestyle. Therefore, any action taken to alleviate that financial burden, no matter how small, will keep your pockets lined with more green than they would’ve been.
But just because an action is understandable, in turn it does not become moral.
If you take something that doesn’t belong to you and wasn’t given to you, the fact is that you’re a thief. Granted a thief who only committed the crime of “Grand Theft Silver and Blue,” but the size or worth of an item does not determine whether or not you stole.
Besides, plastic silverware and cups aren’t expensive at all. They’re each about 3 dollars, resulting in a total amount of 6 dollars. I think that EVERYONE has at least 6 dollars that they can spend.
So I’m asking you, not the accidental thieves that I’ve already addressed, but the purposeful criminals to return your stolen goods to their proper owner. If you do it, we’ll let it slide this time.
But just this time.
By Brody Brown, staff writer